The Subspace Dignitary
by gh43
Summary: Having no shame, I spoof shamelessly! This fic reveals shameful secrets! Kirby's an idiot! Pit's a fallen angel! And Roy, MewTwo, and Pichu ARE actually in the game but are swallowed by the Apocalypse! Oh, and everyone else is here, too. Doin' stuff.
1. The Fallen Angels of the Apocalypse

**Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Brothers. But I like to torment them.**

* * *

Billions of people were cheering wildly towards an empty stadium. We never actually _see _these people, so they may or may not exist. But a few definitely DO exist, and we go on a close up of two of them.

Two princesses, to be exact, who are looking down regally. The words PEACH and ZELDA appear under them.

"Peach, look," Zelda gasped. "They put our names on the wrong princesses!"

Peach looked, and sure enough the word ZELDA was floating under her, and PEACH was under Zelda. And also, the words were upside down and backwards, so they actually said ADLEZ and HCAEP.

"The designers told us they had a few bugs to work out but it will all work out in the end," Peach explained.

* * *

The scene cut to Shigeru Miamoto's workshop, where he was personally working out a few bugs. "Alright, you bugs! Lift that weight!" he ordered.

Several bugs were struggling to lift teeny little weights. They were exhausted, but the man who owned Nintendo would have none of it. He'd get these bugs worked out if it killed them!

To validate his claims, two fleas and a fruit fly dropped dead.

* * *

Back at the stadium, we quickly zoom to the other side, where three more people, one human and two Pokemon, were also watching. The words ROY, MEWTWO, and PICHU appeared under them.

"Why are we here again?" Mewtwo asked.

"So we can see our names," Roy explained, looking at his floating name happily. He poked it and it wiggled. "Ooh, wiggly!"

Both Pokemon stared at him, highly disturbed. "…Seriously, why are we here?"

Roy seemed to deflate. "We're here to see if we can spot the guys who stole our jobs."

"WHY?" Mewtwo asked.

"When they show up, we'll jump down and give them a super wedgie!"

"Pichu!" Pichu yelled.

"I agree," Mewtwo said, looking at Roy. "That's the stupidest idea ever. Everyone knows Pokemon don't wear underwear, so how can we give our replacements a wedgie?"

Roy scratched his head. "You're creative. You'll figure it out," he finally decided.

* * *

Meanwhile, two trophies fell from the sky. It turned out to be Mario and Kirby. As they landed they turned into…uh, not trophies…

Mario went first, and the words MARIO appeared under him, in case there was some total IDIOTS out there who didn't know who Mario was.

Kirby was next, and his name also appeared under him. Or it would have, but Kirby is really short, so his name covered his eyes. Also, his name was spelled incorrectly.

"I CAN ONLY SEE THE WORD KERBEE!" Kirby shrieked. "Who's this Kerbee guy? He's replacing me, isn't he? I'll be a looser like those guys!" Somehow, he managed to point to Roy, Mewtwo and Pichu, even though he couldn't see.

"Hey, nobody asked you, you pink JERK," Roy yelled. "You're practically nothing but a butt with a face, and if you don't shut up, I'll come down there and kick you!"

"I don't know him!" Mewtwo yelled loudly, pointing to Roy.

Kirby took the distraction to charge Mario, but as his eyes were still covered he couldn't see and he walked off the edge of the stage and died.

He reappeared as a trophy. Mario, who had fallen asleep, woke with a jerk, accidentally reanimating Kirby.

"Who, what, when, where, why?" Mario asked frantically.

Kirby looked at his arms in awe. "How?" he asked reverently. Suddenly Meta Knight's ship appeared out of nowhere and threw black dots of doom down at them.

"Hey, what's Meta Knight doing throwing black dots of doom at us?" Kirby asked, indignant. "Where does he get off?"

"I don't know," Mario admitted. "But I would suspect it's wherever he fuels that ship thingy."

Peach and Zelda jumped out of the stands and landed in front of the other two fighters. "Hi, Mario," Peach giggled.

Mario blushed… "Hi, Adlez."

Peach blinked. "What?"

"That's what they say your name is."

"That was a bug, Mario!" Peach snapped as Primids started to appear.

"That's not a bug!" Mario insisted, pulling Jiminy Cricket out of his pocket. "This is a bug!"  
"AAAAA bug! Squish it!" Peach slapped Mario's hand and Jiminy fell to the ground. There Kirby ate him.

"Mm, crickets," Kirby muttered happily, rubbing his stomach.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Primids turned and grabbed a bomb! But they forgot to hurl it and it went off and they ended up blowing themselves up.

After this, the Ancient Minister (who's name we know because it also appeared under him) came in with a big bomb. He dropped it on the ground and two robot minions activated it.

Mario saw them. "Hey!" he yelled, realizing foul play was afoot. "You guys didn't buy a ticket!" He rushed towards the R.O.B.s to evict them, when a bullet bill came flying out and hit him, knocking him off into the horizon.

For its own part, the bullet Bill froze. "I…I BEAT Mario! Oh, yeah baby! Hammy time!" he started dancing. "Da, da, da, da, da da, da, da can't touch this!"

Kirby ate him.

Petey Pirahna, who also appeared out of nowhere, appeared out of nowhere and caught the two princesses and locked them in a cage. "I caught the princesses!" he said. "Just like everyone always does and why am I the lame first boss?"

Kirby floated up and punched Petey in his glass jaw and he screamed and passed out, showing everyone why he was the lame first boss. The cages burst and Zelda walked out of hers. Peach stayed in her cage.

Zelda blinked at her. "Why aren't you coming out?"

Peach giggled. "Silly. Princesses never leave their cages until someone rescues them. Or else bad things happen."

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. What could possibly—"

She would have continued, but Wario showed up and shot her with a pointy arrow thingy. He laughed, picked up her trophy, and waddled off.

"See?" Peach said, feeling vindicated as Kirby released her. The two hopped on his warp star and rushed out just as the bomb exploded, leaving all the spectators to their fate.

We don't care about them, though.

"IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE!!!" Roy screamed as the bomb's explosion came nearer to him. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"

"I loathe you," Mewtwo told him.

"Pichu, pichu, pichu, pi!" Pichu said.

Mewtwo sniffled. "That was beautiful, Pichu."

Roy nodded, wiping a tear from his eye. "You say your name so wonderfully. And you're so cute! I could just eat you up."

A random crazy guy jumped out of the crowd. "Like the apocalypse is going to, baby! Live the dream!"

"Oh, yeah," Roy nodded wisely. "I'd forgot about the apocalypse."

His companions nodded, smiling warmly. Then the turned, looked into their doom, and stated heroically, "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" as they were swallowed.

In case you were wondering, we don't care about those guys either.

* * *

Meanwhile in Angel Land, Pit the Angel saw the whole thing. He was freaking out. "Oh, no! What can I do? How can I help? Is there any hope left in the world?"

He stumbled around dramatically while he posed these rhetorical questions, but tripped over his shadow and stumbled. He screamed and tried to regain his balance, but to no avail, and he fell off the edge of Angel World.

"No, the horror!" Pit sobbed as he fell through the sky. "I'm a fallen Angel! What will my mother think? What will my sister think? Wait, I don't have a sister. What will my nonexistent sister think?" He fell silent after this depressing thought. "Boy," he finally said. "I've been falling forever! I wonder when I will stop…"

He hit a cloud which felt like a painful trophy. Which confused Pit because he hadn't thought clouds felt like painful trophies. He turned to glare at the cloud and found out it had been a painful trophy! Named Mario!

"Mario!" he cried, reanimating him. "I'm so glad I landed on your face! Otherwise I might never have found you!"

Mario looked at him. "Who are you?"

"I'm Pit. I'm an Angel, but I fell…"

"AAA!" Mario screamed and pointed at Pit in horror. "Fallen angel!"

"No, no! I just tripped, honest!" Pit sobbed and fell to his knees, clasping his hands together pleadingly. "Please don't tell my Mommy!"

"Uh…ok…" Mario coughed and rubbed the back of his head nervously. "So…where are we?"

"We're standing on a cloud. Which is weird because clouds aren't really able to support weight, you know?"

They looked at each other for a long second, and then the fell through the cloud.

"AAAAAAAA!" screamed Mario.

"Oh, man! Falling again!" Pit crossed his arms and sulked. "I just can't get a break!"

"Pit! Help!" Mario screamed. "Or we'll go splat on the ground!"

"Well, what can I do about it?" Pit asked.

"Fly!" Mario screamed.

Pit rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he muttered, flapping his arms. "Nothing. See?"

"Wings!"

"Huh?"

"WINGS!!!"

"No, I'm not hungry."

"WIIIINGS!!!"

"…" Pit thought for a long time, then his eyes lit up. "Oh, that's right! I have wings!" He reached inside his toga and pulled out some buffalo wings. "You want barbeque or honey mustard?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

_Splat._


	2. Rise of the Gangsta Munkays

**Disclaimer: Any resemblance to these characters and any person, living, dead, or related to you, is entirely on purpose. So sue me. You can't, because you don't even know who I am. I am INVINCIBLE!**

* * *

Yes, I realize it has taken a long time for this update. But it takes time to allow your main characters, namely Mario and Pit, to wake up from a long-term coma. In fact, they still haven't woken up, so I guess we'll talk about something else. Like, what happened to Kirby and Peach? Well, they crashed on Metal Knight's ship and watched Fox McCloud get shot out of the sky, like a weenie. And that's about it for them. So, anyway, we have to find someone new to talk about, who's alive and doing stuff. Donkey Kong, for example. He's alive, doing stuff, and not in a coma, or anything.

Right now, he was punching a goomba. The goomba looked shocked, and in pain, and rather flat. But I suppose most people would look like that if a giant fist had slammed into their head. Especially if he was a giant gorilla with a tacky little necktie.

Actually, I don't think the necktie would have made any difference in the grand scheme of inflicted pain. They usually don't, you know.

But as Donkey Kong was inflicting this grand pain upon the goombas, a couple of bullet bills, who were in no way related to the one who hit Mario and got eaten by Kirby, flew passed him. Most bullet bills tend to look alike; but very few are actually related. Except for two, but they're only stepbrothers so they aren't important right now.

Where were we? My train of thought was robbed by outlaws. Oh, I remember. We were talking about bullet bills trying to hit Donkey Kong. Well, they didn't. And do you know why? Good, because I don't.

They didn't because Diddy Kong jumped off of Donkey Kong's head and shot a peanut at them. This made the bullet bill's inherent peanut alergies flare up and they swelled up so badly they exploded. I mean, honestly, how else could a peanut blow up a bomb?

Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong started to shake what their momma's gave 'em. Then they struck a pose and Donkey Kong said, "EEEK EEK OOK!"

Unfortunately, my online translators are malfunctioning, and only the gangsta translatah is working properly-ish. But we make due with what the good Lord has given us. So, running it through the translator, Donkey Kong said something to this effect:

"Fo' shizzle, dawg, why'd ya go jumpin' on a bruddah's head?"

Anyway, before Diddy Kong could explain himself, the two happened to spot several goombas and koopas, riding on a kart full of bananas.

"Ook, ook!" Diddy squealed with excitement. (Translation: "Yo, D-man, dey dun jacked da 'nanas.")

Donkey Kong slammed his fist in the ground and pointed at the kart threateningly. "Eek ook!" he vowed. ("CENSORED, DAWG. DAT NASTY. YOU KISS YORE MOMMA WIT' DAT MOUT'?")

Anyway, the two jumped off the cliff that ended the world and found out that the end of the world actually was the jungle. Who knew. But anyhow, the two raced through the world, bad guys not impeding their progress any because Donkey Kong has that honkin' big fist of his, and finally they made it to the banana cart. Donkey Kong made good his threat (Ouch.) and Diddy Kong helped by shooting a goomba in the head with a peanut.

"OW!" screamed the goomba. (Translation: "OW!")

After all the bad guys had been squished, Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong continued their happy dance. It would have devolved into a square dance, but fortunately a massive 9.0 earthquake interrupted them.

Oh, wait, it's just Bowser walking. Never mind.

"Haw haw haw!" Bowser said, showing that big machine that made those pointy arrow things at Diddy Kong.

Donkey Kong hadn't noticed Bowser, even though he was larger than Godzilla's mother when she was pregnant, and pointing a weapon of mass destruction at them. Not to mention the haw haw haws, but nobody said Donkey Kong was very observant. Or smart. But he was still steamed that Diddy Kong had jumped on his head, and he was hoping to have all the bananas to himself, so he punched Diddy Kong in the back and sent him sailing, just as Bowser fired and turned him into a trophy.

Diddy Kong, mistaking Donkey Kong's selfishness for a heroic sacrifice, shrieked, "EEEEEEK!" as he sailed through the sky. (Translation: "FO' SIZZLLLLLLLEEEEE!")

He landed at a lake and hit his head, immediately falling into a coma. Darn it. Mario and Pit haven't woken up, either! So now what?

I have nothing better to do. Let's go check those losers in the Apocalypse.

* * *

"It's the Apocalypse!" Mewtwo screamed, clutching his head. "Apocalypse!"

"It's the Wolverine!" Roy cried happily, pointing over to where Wolverine and Apocalypse from the X-Men comics were sparring. Then another hole opened up and swallowed them in endless nothingness. The X-Men guys, not the losers.

"Pichu!" Pichu sobbed. (The translator just blew up. At least we all know what Pichu is saying, though. He's saying, "Pichu.")

"I know, I got to see Wolverine," Roy said, totally psyched.

"Hello!" Mewtwo yelled. "Am I the only one who remembers that we've just been swallowed by the Apocalypse?"

"Live the dream, baby!" screamed that random crazy guy. Then he ran off to start a turkey farm.

"Oh, I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems," Roy said soothingly. "I'm sure we're bound to come out the other end eventually."

Mewtwo and Pichu gave Roy a strange look and slowly started to back away.

"What?" Roy asked. "Everybody has to number 2 sometime. There's no shame in the poopy game."

"I don't know him!" Mewtwo screamed aloud, just in case somebody could see them all in the Apocalypse, who would, you know, care.

Hey, Mario and Pit have finally woken up! What luck…I mean, ooh, shoot, I guess we have to leave these three to their own devices.

* * *

OK, so Mario woke up first, with a splitting headache and a buffalo wing shoved up his nose. He quickly dislodged it and glared at Pit, who moaned and sat up.

"You ninny!" Mario yelled, which might be considered out of character for him if he hadn't just fallen off a cloud with a freak with wings who wouldn't fly. "Why didn't you _fly_?"

Pit looked surprised. "I don't like to use up my minutes."

Mario grit his teeth and kicked Pit right in his toga. Then, feeling much better, he straightened his hat and merrily wandered off.

"Ow!" Pit whined. "What was that for?" Then he jumped up and followed Mario so that the plumber could answer his question.

The two wandered around for a bit, attacking bad guys that all looked the same. Stupid budget cuts. Well, these guys aren't doing anything exciting. I wonder if Diddy Kong's woken up? I mean, seeing as I finally managed to get my Snotty British Translator working, I might as well see if he's woken up.

* * *

To make a short story long: He had. (Just imagine how short it was before.) And he was instantly grabbed by a Rayquaza, who honestly had no business being in Donkey Kong's lake in the first place. He should go find his own stupid lake, and bother some kid named after charred wood, but I digress.

Diddy Kong's eyes were wide with panic and he screamed, "EEK OOK!" (Translation: "I say, old bean, that is most unpleasant, wot wot.")

Luckily for him, Fox managed to jump out of his burning Arwing, and he shot his blue thingamabob at Rayquaza, forcing him to let go. Rayquaza screamed and charged him. Fox pulled out his gun and shot him. (Seriously, it's a _gun_. You know, a weapon that inflicts great bodily harm upon another. Like he's really going to shoot you multiple times without you even so much as flinching. Get real.)

Diddy Kong jumped for joy. "Ook, eek, ook!" he cried. ("Good show, old chap, I say you showed that blighter wot for!")

Fox blinked at him. "Oookay…jumping monkey guy. Go away."

"OOk, ook, eek," Diddy Kong cried, pointing towards the left. ("Now see here, my good man, your assistance would be invaluable in my search for my misappropriated partner, wouldn't you say?")

"Seriously, go away," Fox insisted. Diddy Kong sighed and grabbed his collar, dragging him forcibly with him.

"Hey, what the…help! I'm being Foxnapped by a monkey!" Fox yelped, struggling to get away to no avail.


End file.
